One of the concepts I talk about in my book, “Gifts They Leave Us,” is of “moving with” rather than “moving on.” It’s not easy. Nothing about the grief process is easy. But I think, in whatever form it takes for each of us, growing our life is an important part of getting us to a better place.
In the workbook I created to accompany Gifts They Leave Us, I used some images to represent this idea for each of the chapter headings. The images are simple, but they help make what I consider a very important idea more clear. Namely, that by expanding our lives, growing into new experiences and connections, we are not moving on, not trying to bury what was or what the person or people we have lost meant to us. Instead, we are making them and the gifts they leave us a part of who we are in the process of becoming.
The image I created here is just a way of explaining a concept. Of making clear the importance of choosing to grow while continuing to live. Some of us will choose to remain alone. A host of perfectly valid reasons may play into that. Some of us will seek new love. Or embrace it if we unexpectedly crash headlong into that opportunity. Some will travel. Some will read. Some will join clubs, pick up new hobbies, spend more time with family, find new work, volunteer our time to organizations we admire – the number and types of choices are vast. And the changes to the life we had before our loss may be small or very large.
There is no timeline.
The key is to choose. To make a conscious decision about what it is we want, going forward. Not moving on to avoid or forget. Moving with. Honoring them by carrying the gifts they leave us into the world. Boldly. Proudly. And with love.
(1) The first image shows us during a time when our grief is overwhelming. Everywhere in our life we look, the pain is there.
(2) But as we get through the terrible initial agony, when we are able to begin expanding our life even a little, we may find that the next time we reflect, while grief is still a huge part of our life, there is room for small things that are not pain.
(3) Over time, as we continue to forge ahead with expanding our life, that shift continues. The grief, and all the one we lost means to us, has not diminished. The circle of our life has expanded, making grief seem smaller relative to what we are becoming.
(4) All of us will have our own path to walk, to be sure. But in whatever ways we continue to expand the circle of our life…
(5) … the grief and pain, even if they remain unchanged, represent a smaller…
(6) … part of all that we are becoming.
(7) Some may find new love. Or choose not to. Some will find work. Adventure. Friends.
(8) How we grow our life, the ways we choose, are our own. But expanding our life, it matters.
(9) The grief and memories of those we have lost do not get smaller. Our lives get bigger. If we choose to allow it.
It isn’t that grief no longer exists. We have not removed it or hidden it away. We have not locked it behind a door, or in a safe. All of it, all the memories of love and joy and yes, even the pain of loss, is still there for us if we turn our focus on it.
But it is no longer all we can see or feel.
I offer a lot more detail about my own journey, and the ways my experience might help others, in “Gifts They Leave Us,” available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle formats. And these images are used in the accompanying workbook, also available in paperback, for those who might benefit from having it.
This concept is not the only method of moving with our grief that I discuss in the book. But I think it is an important one. So, I wanted to share it here.
I stand with you.
If you’re carrying something today that deserves a little acknowledgment, this is a safe place to name it.